Thursday, November 18, 2004

CIA Needs A Few Good Agents, And Hollywood's Got Plenty

"There's a man who leads a life of danger. To everyone he meets he stays a stranger. With every move he makes, Another chance he takes. Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow.

Secret Agent Man.

Secret Agent Man.

They've given you a number.

And taken away your name."

There's been a shake-up in the CIA's clandestine service, and it looks as though CIA director Porter Goss should start looking for other spy operatives. Java thinks he should look to some of the great spies of the past for inspiration, such as:

# James Coburn as Derick Flint. How can you resist a guy spy who in the movie "In Like Flint" investigates women who brainwash other women through their beauty salon hair dryers? But one nagging question remains: "Would his Nehru jacket and bell bottoms work today?"

# Dean Martin as Matt Helm in movies like "The Ambushers." When he could take his hands off women and put his drink down, he was unstoppable. Plus, then you could go home and watch Martin's roasts on DVD.

# Don Adams as Maxwell Smart. He bumbled and fumbled, but he got the job done. He just had to get the chief to dust off the Cone of Silence.

# Robert Culp and Bill Cosby in "I Spy." When their tennis rackets cooled off, they took care of business.

# Robert Conrad as Jim West and Ross Martin as Artemus Gordon in "The Wild, Wild West." Agents of President Grant, they could do no worse under the leadership of Director Goss.

# Robert Vaughn as Napoleon Solo and David McCallum as Illya Kuryakin in "Man From U.N.C.L.E." were agents of the United Network Command for Law Enforcement, which explains why people preferred to call it "UNCLE." They would be great CIA agents, as long as Goss let them open Channel D when they talked into their pens.

# Robert Wagner as Alexander Mundy in "It Takes a Thief." He's a smooth, suave jewel thief who joins an American espionage agency called the SIA, precariously close to our group. He's just too cool for words, and then Fred Astaire plays his father, Alistair Mundy. The ultimate.

# Peter Mark Richman plays wimpy secret agent Adam Chance in the movie "Agent for H.A.R.M." (Human Aetiological Relations Machine, which I'm sure you know what that means) who helps protect a scientist who has developed "a gun that shoots boogers" (the plot summary's words exactly) at people from evil forces.

# Patrick McGoohan played John Drake, special security agent, in the movie "Danger Man," precursor to "Secret Agent Man" (jaunty lyrics above). He got exotic assignments from Her Majesty's Secret Service, which introduced such Bond-like gadgets as exploding tie-pins and tape-recording shavers. Goss, pay attention.

# Jennifer Garner portrayed CIA/Alliance double agent Sydney Bristow in "Alias" against terrorists too numerous to mention, but not the one we invaded Iraq to find.

# Halle Berry as agent Jinx Johnson in "Die Another Day." Goss need not worry about threats to our borders once Berry is spotted coming out of the surf in that swimsuit with a knife on the side.

# Pierce Brosnan as Bond, James Bond. Sean Connery was our favorite, but if we can't have him, please don't deliver us Colin Farrell.

# Mike Myers as Austin Powers as "The Spy Who Shagged Me." In those wacky threads and with his mojo, the British spy would do our CIA proud.

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